Flatulent Frank was ambling down the walk of contempt, brooding over the previous events of the day. When suddenly with a start and a womp, a bloody, smelly, purple, womp, he came upon (well, he superimposed his perception guided by his mortal vision) a cow. This pleased Flatulent Frank. This pleased him well. For Frank had a certain affinity for cows, and to top it off, this was no normal cow. This was a cow in need.
Rushing to the body of the cow, laying on it's side in the gutter of the road (though this is not uncommon for men, it is not the current trend for cows) Flatulent Frank attempted to assess the ailment of the cow. This proved to be quite an anomaly. For this cow, this lonely, downtrodden, sad, sick excuse of a cow.. could speak! Speak like man mouth move noise! And it told Jibbely Joe.. err.. um.. Flatulent Frank that it found the cow holy land. The cow holy land of the soul. "Cow Heaven is a lonely but happy place, where all cows are free from the torments of man and nature alike, for cows in their very essence," it told Flatulent Frank, "Are only able to survive in the servitude of mankind. We cannot survive the dangers of the wild, so we martyr ourselves, give our children for man's food, give our voluptuous women for man's milk, where man's women falter and fail to provide for their offspring. In Cow Heaven, every cow liveth in green pastures, feeds their own young, lives their own lives." It was then that Flatulent Frank keenly, directly, and accurately deduced that this cow is not only sick, this cow is mad! Mad Cow Disease! Even still.. Frank could not let a cow in need go unattended, and since his house was not far away, he fetched it back with a ladder and some hay bails, in the nature of the ziki zaki suckero (Frank's cow loving, hay farming, ladder building ancestors).
In the ensuing months, Flatulent Frank tried to nurse the cow back to health, listening to it's crazy tales. Ultimately though, Frank failed and the cow passed away. Frank was devastated. He had really started to love his mad cow of a friend. Frank wanted to give the cow a decent burial, but the ground was hard, and Frank.. poor, lazy, sad, sad Frank.. started to convince himself in his many breaks from digging the hole (it was in fact, a large hole that needed to be dug for the purpose of burying a cow, and even a fit man would need to take the occasional break) that maybe burying the cow was not the best of ideas. Not the worst of ideas, but maybe not the best. For he was, after all, a man of limited means.. and cows.. well. The simple fact of things was that people eat cows. Even mad cows.. right? I mean. Maybe people have been eating mad cows for a long time and simply not knowing it..
Thus Frank butchered his beautiful bovine buddy. He did perform a neat little ceremony and said a little prayer for the cow when sitting down to that first juicy, thick, succulent slab of steak. He was content for awhile, alone in his hut (about an hour). But as any grief ridden man who had just been forced to butcher and eat his only companion would do, he went to town with the mission of getting smashed. Overly inebriated with alcoholic beverages, that is.
Lacking funds, but rich in meat, Frank used some steaks and such to purchase drinks from the bartender. Now.. Frank was not a raving drunk. He was usually a very quiet and reserved man, especially when drinking. This caused confusion in the patronage of the bar, since as the night wore on (and the drinks were drunk) Frank began to gibber. It began as a trickle, an occasional something something about “evil man” and “cow heaven” was mumbled under his breath. People tried to ignore this, just giving him strange looks or a small nervous jest (to which he was oblivious). But then, the small current of tidbits became an all out torrent of insanity. That’s right, before people knew it Frank was on the table giving sermons about Cow Heaven and the Great Coming of the King of All Cows all out Texas reverend style. Needless to say, he got kicked out of the bar.
People forgot Frank’s words, but not Frank’s meat. He was very generous with the remnants of his bovine buddy, handing out steaks to everyone he met in town. Before long.. the town started to get a little bizarre. People just started to see things a little differently, have a little glint in their eye. Until one day, a man stood up and stated the following “My Friends! Gather round and let me tell you a tale! A tale of riches beyond reckoning, power beyond imagination, and a bliss so satisfying that all Eternity would you live in entropy for a taste of the tip of it’s weakest moment. This and more could all be yours if you heed my words! There is a place, a place in your soul, a place that only you can take yourself, where all desires beyond your dreams can be redeemed! This place is True Heaven! Not the heaven of our ancient texts and forgotten religions spoken about so furiously by our crusty priests and rabbis, but TRUE HEAVEN!” People were amazingly receptive. And I’m sure you can guess what happened from here...
The cows got pissed off. This is a pretty major thing.. cows aren’t easily aggravated. But here in this quaint little rural town, people were selling Cow Heaven to other people like a panacea for their shoddy, self induced, dystopia of an existence. Something had to be done to stop this. Man had finally gone too far. He had to face divine retribution at the furious hoof of The Cow Army!
Back on Earth, one sees, through me, the Almighty Narrator *bows*, that the cows were not overreacting. Due to a freak accident involving a field trip of kindergarten students to a twinkie factory, mad cow disease spread from Franks little burg to the entire frikkin world! (everyone eats twinkies and apparently mad cow disease can be spread whenever you eat someone who has it. Who knew?)
The Cows used their secret weapon. Cow Hell. The place where farm animal raping persons spend their eternity in suffering at the hands of Cow Demons. They tore a rift between the worlds by seducing a human (Captain Kirk) with the most beautiful of cows (MooshaBella, of Wisconsin) and convinced him to utter certain sacred rites as he.. performed certain candid actions.. with MooshaBella.
Thus the world was changed forever. As the Demonic army of Cow Hell flowed forth from the rift, a Great War was began between the machinery of Mankind and the furious magick of the Cows. The sky a blanket of black from the greasy oil spat from the warplanes, the rivers and seas red from the millions of corpses, the apple supply low and waning, and almost no pie. Earth a place with one last ray of hope.. one pair to cure the world. Two little boys to restore peace, tranquility, and sweet carbonated beverages to Earth.. Bob and Dan!!
Existence eat your heart out.
and that lady's and gentleman is my scholastic entry, im so getting in the classes with nolan
